If I only knew it was our final goodbye

As I am getting closer to changing the format of this newsletter, I want to share with you the final chapter of my dad’s life, from my perspective.

The more I know now that I’ve become quite knowledgeable with the topic of death and dying, the more I regret doing or not doing certain things.

I left Mexico to come back to London 10 days before his death. We installed a camera in his room so he felt we could watch and take care of him from afar.

I remember the last day I saw him alive quite well. I have promised him to shave his beard but I was running around like a headless chicken, organising his meds, buying food, tidying things up etc that I did not prioritise helping him shave.

At some point, quite angrily he says ‘Didn’t you say you were going to help me?’, here I got a reality check of what was important (to spend time with him). So I helped him shower and shave his beard. I recall telling him ‘you look very handsome, let me take a picture of you’ - my last picture of him.

The time was coming for me to go to the airport. I told him I wanted him to eat more, that he needed it to gather strength. Now I know dying people don’t need food as much and sometimes they just eat to show their loved ones they are doing their best. The thing is, I knew he was dying, I just didn’t know it will be so soon

The goodbye

I am sitting on the couch, he is sitting on his electric armchair and I say…well it is time for me to go. He seems ‘uninterested’ and says bye, almost without looking at me in the eye, the most casual goodbye, as if I was going to get something at the shop next door instead of flying 9,000 km away from each other.

I understood he didn’t want to say a proper goodbye (historically, the past few times we have said goodbye during his illness, I have left crying, so I don’t blame him). I don’t care about this and I tell him we should have a proper goodbye. I hug him, give him a kiss, tell him I love him and that I will be seeing him for his birthday soon (6 weeks away).

For those of you who are new here, I have written a previous post of why I decided to go back to London whilst he was unwell - you can read this post here

I will be coming soon with part 2 of this story, I don’t want to make this incredibly long for you or painful enough for me to write it all in one go!

In the meantime…would you spare 2 minutes of your time to help me help others?

See you in 2 week!